It’s been a couple weeks since I made the decision to stay home with my daughter. More accurately, we made the decision as a family. I wanted to stay home and it is possible for me to do so financially, so the decision was a fairly easy one. Do I want to stay home? Yes. Can we afford for me to stay home? Yes. Case. Closed.

The reality of being a stay at home mom is a different story. Case. Decidedly open.

I’m not surprised by the complicated nature of the adjustment. Or how stressful some days can be. I am not surprised that the journey has been emotional at times. Or that I have my moments of doubt.

What does surprise me is my habit of making excuses. I needed to stay home because of childcare issues. Because of money. Because of her sleep patterns (or lack their of). Because of my mother. Because of transportation.Because of my health. Why is it so hard for me to say that I am a stay at home mom because I want to be?

I’ve also gotten into the habit of feigning busy. In the past two weeks I’ve investigated work from home jobs, direct selling opportunities, paid freelance blogging. I’ve mapped out in my head how I’ll get back into  my art, maybe start doing craft fairs again like I did in college. How I’ll join the local neighborhood association, get on the board of a non profit. Why is so hard for me to say that being a stay at home mom is enough for me?

I think a part of me fears judgement. From people I know, from people I don’t. From myself.

I am a stay at home mom. Because I want to be. And that is more than enough.